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We’ll just have to put it in God’s hands and hope for the best.

This was a great quote from my daughter yesterday concerning her overly-emotionally-charged soccer club tryouts next week.  Her club may reassign her to practice and play at fields that are an hour from our house.  That’s a deal-breaker.  But she isn’t concerned – she has faith.  I’m so proud of her.

I am on end-of-school, cancer-treatment, kid-party, dr appt, orthodontist, and last-minute request overload.  When my dentist office called to remind me of my appointment and started to give me grief about the 24 hour cancellation policy I just gave it to her straight.  I said my oncologist told me I can’t, and I forgot to cancel, and I’m sorry.   I’d love to get my teeth cleaned, but maybe they’d all just fall out – who knows?  Speaking of falling out I think I’m losing hair again but so far just a little.  It stopped at about a third gone with biochemo and I was THRILLED.  Anyone woman who says it’s just hair is LYING.  The scary thing about this drug is that sometimes your hair doesn’t grow back.  Yikes.  I’d like to think it’s my imagination.  The shower drain has it in for me.  Like I said, it isn’t the first time. Still though, I’d choose living without hair over not living, any day.

Yesterday I started taking a new vitamin that smells like feet.   I bought this with a protein shake mix at the Schwarzenegger supplement store.  It was one of those places with big vats of powder, lots of floor space, and plenty of sinewy pictures.  According to Chad/Brad this fantastic concoction will help me gain weight.  Provided that wherever I end up drinking it I have a man to open the lid for me since my addled joints couldn’t manage their fancy sippy cup.  Great solution Chad/Brad.  Steroid cancer mom is very amused.  The female body builder pictures at the store scared me a little.  Fingers crossed.

I installed an app on my phone to keep track of my medicine. I counted 25 pills yesterday.  Next I need one of those am/pm granny pill boxes with the days labeled.  You think I’m joking.  This cancer business is seriously eating into my “ME” time.

My oncologist tried last week to reduce me down on the Prednisone.  I love/hate these steroids.  Within a day the “face sunburn” (NOPE!  RASH!) was marching all over me again.  I’m covered with the ugly red bumps but it doesn’t itch.   I’m stuck with the steroids, and the meds to treat those side effects, and the meds to treat the Zelboraf side effects.  I’m up to 600 mg of ibuprofen every 6 hrs / 24 hrs a day for my joints, which with the steroids is causing terrible indigestion so then… and i could go on and on.

We have some great family times coming up – Alan’s birthday, my brother is marrying his soul mate, summer camp, father’s day and Alan and I have a little something special planned.  My oncologist really discouraged me from getting scans and results next week – the treatment needs more time.  We’d been told it could get worse before it gets better and additionally, treatment wouldn’t change for 12 weeks regardless.  But I can be demanding and I insisted on knowing anyway.  “WHY, why can’t you just picture that it’s working away in there and enjoy yourself??” he said to me.  I know I exasperate him but I think he likes me.   I exasperate the hell out of Alan and he’s stuck with me for over twenty years.  Maybe it’s my petulant charm.

Even though knowing won’t change anything I want SO BADLY to be in control of my life and my health.  I don’t think I’ll ever learn.  So with some deep prayer and my oncologist’s blessing I am rescheduling my scans and checkup for later in June and just working on staying on Zelboraf and dealing with it.  I’ve traded my brain MRI for a hair appointment.  I’m envisioning that it’s working away in there, killing the cancer cells.  I just don’t want to know otherwise right now.  Ignorance is bliss.  You’ll just have to be patient and we’ll put it in God’s hands and hope for the best.

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