After a long afternoon I finished Ipi round 2 at nine o’clock Monday night. It’s going well so far. My eye is much better. I still have some fatigue and a headache that comes and goes. Along with some “wacky” blood work this has earned me a brain MRI Thursday to check my pituitary gland and a return oncology appointment next Monday. Here we go again… Wikipedia.. Pituitary gland…Apparently its all in my head. If the pituitary is enlarged I might have to take steroids again but can continue treatment.
When I was first diagnosed with stage 3C melanoma I was lucky enough to become a patient at Vanderbilt for my surgery. They called and badgered the local dermatologist I’d been seeing as well their pathology lab. Vandy wanted to find everything possible to explain how I got to stage 3C. I never knew. I didn’t get treated surgically at an early stage that might have prevented the melanoma from metasticizing. Or it might not have.
Yesterday I was so tired and I realized I was playing “What if”. This is a game I pray for the strength to avoid. I “What if”ed often the first year. I was furious and terrified. I wanted answers, revenge, someone to blame, and a lawyer. I realize this will not change anything. I’ve never asked for my prior dermatology records or asked what Vanderbilt found. I pray to let go of the “What if”s and appreciate What IS. Some days I am more successful than others.
Those days I’m able to hear the birds singing and enjoy the smell of fall in the air. I’m more likely to remember to tell people I love them or listen when someone needs it most. I have more opportunities to perform a small act to please Him. I can look back and see a blessing I didn’t notice before. I’m free. I am thankful. I have hope.
I wish medical mistakes didn’t happen. I wish cancer didn’t exist. I wish mothers and fathers never had to leave their children, no matter how old they are. I take tremendous comfort in knowing that everything happens according to His plan and although I cannot understand it now, one day all will be revealed.
Today I feel good. Right now nothing is hurting. I have three teacher conferences, eye doctor, orthodontist, and dermatology appointments for the kids plus dropping one off with a friend and another at a youth group later. It is warm and the autumn trees are absolutely radiant with His splendor. It’s a beautiful day.
Peace to you all,