I had the most amazing thing happen to me today. I asked for rainbows, and He sent them. If you’ve read through this blog you will know about my rainbows. I’ve never felt as alone as when my father passed away and I was diagnosed with the same advanced cancer, less than a month later. Driving to tell my mother was gut wrenching. I was slogging over the plateau in the rain and I begged for a sign, anything, to let me know He was there.
There they were right on the road. I drove through rainbow after rainbow. I knew I wasn’t alone. I pulled over and wept. He also sent me a rainbow in Houston right after I finished my last round of biochemo. We saw it on the Houston news – it ended right in the part of the city where we were.
After that it kept coming and coming back to me. Really Lord, I thought, I am supposed to tell people I’m seeing rainbows? It just sounds so… crazy. Finally, I got the courage and blogged about it. Kermit the frog singing on his log keeps comes to mind.
Today has been a hard day. A good friend of mine, who definitely has some God-mojo going on, told me I needed to focus on those times He reached out and let me know He is there. As I was driving to school to pick up my kids I thought, “God, I thought I was doing what you wanted, I thought we had a good thing going here. I reluctantly blog it out and tell people everything, even if my sacred privacy is gone and it makes me sound like a complete nut-job. Do I have this all wrong? Where are you? God, if there is ever a day I need a rainbow, today is the day.” I looked around me at the nearly clear Nashville sky and thought “That will never happen.”
A couple of hours later I’m driving #2 to soccer practice and she says “Look Mom! A rainbow!” Just in case I didn’t get it, we saw the other end of the rainbow just as we topped the hill coming down our street. It was way up in the sky, right over our house. Still there was hardly a cloud in the sky.
Yesterday I found out I have two brain tumors. One is new and it’s 4 mm. The other is the tumor they diagnosed in April and told me was gone from the Zelboraf. Now it’s back and 6 mm.
That’s all I know right now. I went for a regular brain MRI this morning that will give precise information to treat these little critters. We are meeting with the radiation oncologist Thursday to discuss and schedule SRS (Sterotactic Radiosurgery aka Gamma Knife or Cyber Knife) which is a focused form of high-dose radiation which zaps the tumor and kills it. I expect this all to happen pretty quickly. Then I will continue with the third and hopefully fourth dose of Ipi.
Some patients have had radiation super-charge their Ipi treatments and somehow the immune system takes off like a rocket killing off melanoma all over the body. This is what I’m hoping for. Why not me? I won’t give up.
I am disappointed. I was not expecting this, nor was my doctor since 8 weeks ago my brain was all clear. Melanoma is a nasty, evil beast. I try not to think about what else is going on inside my heart or other parts and just enjoy that I am feeling good today. I refuse to rethink my treatment decisions or to “What if”. I am thankful this was found now, rather than in 6 weeks or so when I have my other scans. The kids took the news well, even my teenager hugged me. They reassured me we would get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.
I will let you know more when I know. He will get my family through this and He does have the power to heal me. I want so much to believe He will do it.
Peace to you all and I hope you each receive your own kind of rainbow when you need it most.