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I’ve been too busy living to blog or FB, but tomorrow is my first Ipi infusion. Wish me luck!
I was going to make a list of top ten things never to say to a cancer patient, but I ran into someone at my reunion that saved me the trouble and rolled it all up into one.
“I didn’t follow your little Internet cancer adventure thing, but I’m so glad you beat that.”
Wow. Winner-winner chicken dinner.
Cancer is not an adventure. It’s a nightmare for me, my family, and all the friends open-hearted enough to get involved. Cancer is losing old friends who can’t handle it and my body disappointing me despite my iron-clad desire to beat this thing.
Cancer is pain, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, itching, fevers, chills, exhaustion, having parts removed and implanted, memory problems and trying to miss as little as possible of what’s left of my life.
Waiting to get appointments. Waiting during appointments for the sound of shuffling papers outside my door, like staying up for Santa. Listening as they talk about me in the hallway like I’m not even there. Waiting for call backs and test results. Always more waiting.
Worrying. Who will pick up the kids, feed them, let the dog out, or how will Alan make it to work that day? What happens if I get sick on vacation or who will help raise my kids when I’m gone? When and where will the cancer come back?
Watching the clock at night, worrying about my heart and brain. Wondering if I’ve seen my last sunrise. Discussing my DNR the one night I was hospitalized this year. Making sure my medical power of attorney is on file at the hospital tomorrow. I remember my Dad on life support. I don’t want that to be me.
Cancer is acceptance. I cannot control my disease. I gave up my dreams of our retirement together, seeing my kids graduate and get married. Grandchildren. I released them like balloons into the sky and watched them float away. It was too painful to cling to them. Besides, who guaranteed me any of those things anyway? There are no guarantees. I’ve accepted physical and emotional limitations I never expected at 42.
Cancer is clarity on the important things in life. Everyday blessings you never noticed. Incredible generosity of spirit and time from family and friends that restores your faith in the greater good of humanity. Amazing joy in unexpected places. Caring people saying awkward things and the ability to smile and hug and know they meant the best. Becoming angry or insulted less often, forgiving quickly, and being more honest.
Cancer brings joy in each sunrise. The opportunity to know Him better. Seeing Christ in others. Strength, hope, and faith I never knew was within me. Psyching up for another round of treatment and finding the will to fight, Fight, FIGHT!
Really Celebrating Birthdays!!
But a “little adventure”? Nope.
I trust my oncologist. He thinks Ipi might be a good thing and this is the best time to try it. Ipi is not chemo either, it is an immunological therapy. It’s supposed to ramp up my immune system to keep the melanoma in check all by itself. They don’t know how long it works, when it works or who it will help. It’s tricky. It can take 6 months to kick in. Things can get worse before they get better. It can’t be undone. It’s not a pill I can stop taking if I feel ill.
Some people have stable or no disease 7 years after finishing Ipi treatment. It can resolve brain mets (ahem… there, I said it ). Many patients can’t handle all four rounds of Ipi. The one friend I know who tried it was hospitalized several times after two rounds and is still suffering. But alive. And we hope, cancer-free.
Tomorrow is Ipi Day one. Blood work, dr appt, 90 minute infusion (IV), 1 hr wait and watch, and lastly more blood work. It will be a 6 hour affair. I’m nervous. Who wouldn’t be? No guarantees.
For 2012 The National Cancer Institute projects that 76,250 people in America will be diagnosed with melanoma and 9,180 will die. I really don’t want be 9,181. As always we hope and pray for the best and keep moving forward.
Please say a prayer for me Monday.
Peace to each of you – Amy
Becky Adams said:
What did you say to your “little Internet cancer adventure thing” moron? Beautiful blog entry, thanks for taking the time to write it. Gave me goose bumps, love you dear friend.
Florence Chassaignac said:
I will be thinking of you and praying, praying for you, my friend, as you start this new phase of your courageous battle tomorrow. May peace fill your heart and soul as you soldier on. Much love to you.
nashvegasmom said:
Thanks so much Florence!
Marla said:
Oh, dear blessed Amy! When I read your recent post about your reunion, I felt like I wanted to yell GRRRRRR and “Put ’em up” like the cowardly lion. Then I was humbled. Your struggles with life make my own selfless acts so unworthy. You are in my prayers tonight, tomorrow and always. Peace to a very dear woman from whom I continue to learn.. . Fear not! You are in the palm of God’s hands.
nashvegasmom said:
Now that sort of talk drives me crazy Marla. We all suffer. It is not a contest! Thank you for your continued prayers.
lacey newman said:
Hi Amy,
I think I butt dialed you on Friday. I was at a closing and thinking of you and your family. I will say extra prayers for you tomorrow that Ipi is a really, really good thing for you. As always, you strong and witty words remind me to be thankful, hug my kids extra tight and not take a day for granted. Please let us know how the treatment goes whenever you are able. Peace to you. Lacey
nashvegasmom said:
Did you? I never noticed. The last week has been insane. Glad to hear you are getting back in the” real” world, ha ha. Take care Lacey.
Yanice Mendez said:
We keep you in our prayers every single day, but you will be in our thoughts and prayers especially tomorrow. You are always an inspiration to me. God bless.
The Welch Family (OS)
nashvegasmom said:
Thank you so very much!!
kelly knox said:
Dear Amy,
You are a wonderful person and a true inspiration. Our family keeps you in our daily prayers. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and what you will be going through. I’m often asked about how you’re doing by people you’ve never met. You have many prayer warriors praying for you.
The Knox Family
nashvegasmom said:
Wow Kelly! That really means a lot to me. I believe prayer makes all the difference. Hugs to you all!
thepurplebutterflyblog said:
thanks for having the courage to share the details of your life with cancer..is it no cakewalk or adventure for sure. you are so very courageous to speak so boldly. so sad you have to live this nightmare..just know I am there through the ups and downs. xoxo
nashvegasmom said:
Thank you R!
Christy Stanga said:
Simply put – I am a little bit in awe of you. I know God is living in you because you display such grace and peace amidst such hard, hard circumstances. I – we – will pray, pray, pray.
nashvegasmom said:
Just venting a little Christy! Thanks for those prayers. They are the most important thing of all!
Karen Johnston said:
I love you so much, Amy. And all I want is for you to gain peace and wholeness. You are an absolutely beautiful woman and I am very thankful for our friendship. Prayers coming your way…and whatever else you may need along your journey. xoxo
Lori Harris said:
Praying, Amy, and will be all day tomorrow. Love and peace to you, my friend.
Lori
nashvegasmom said:
Same to you Lori – thank you!
Jess Bridges said:
I pray for you, my daughter and I light candles for you at every church, chapel or cathedral we visit- From Gulf Shores to Birmingham to Washington D.C. little lights of hope twinkle for you. Hope for strength, peace, wonder and joy. All our love
nashvegasmom said:
Thank you!!
David Maguire said:
Amy, I don’t know you but a friend of mine posted your blog. I hate TV and love to read so I read. I lost my mother to cancer, my brother seems to have beaten melanoma, and I have a brother who will have surgery on Friday to remove a tumor on his kidney, he may even lose the kidney. We don’t know yet if his tumor is cancer or not. So your story touched me and brought back some powerful emotions. I will pray for you tonight and keep you in my prayers. God bless you!
Beth said:
Amy
WOW. you inspire me; the one who thinks she is in control and reads this and knows she is not. Then goes back to acting like she is…I am humbled by your message. Praying for you with each day that goes by. Your faith is amazing. Love Beth
nashvegasmom said:
Love you too Beth!
nicole chapman said:
I found your blog today and it struck me because you said something early on about being stubborn and independent…i wrote something similar on my own cancer blog. thank you for sharing your story, it has helped me make a decision about my own treatment. your bravery makes me sad and inspired at the same time. i wish all the best as you start on the next round of beating up some melanoma…love and strength to you.
nicole
Molly Petroni said:
Amy,
A beautiful and moving essay. Now I know where Topher gets his grit and determination for the Cross Country races…from Mama:-)
nashvegasmom said:
Thanks Molly!
Heather Cain said:
I sure will be thing and praying for you tomorrow! Heather Cain
Sent from my iPad
Heather Cain said:
I sure will be thinking of you, and praying for you tomorrow! Heather
nashvegasmom said:
Thank you Heather!
Mary Dick Yates said:
Wow, Amy – I am sorry someone said that to you at the reunion. I would have hoped we all had grown up after 25 years.
I have been following your trials and have been praying for you and your family. You have such grace and humor in your posts – I mentioned to Cyndy how funny you are and asked her if you were this witty in high school – she said “yes, we were just not grown up enough to get it” I regret that. I have a picture on my phone of you, me, Jennifer Guy, and Catherine Carroll from our 20th reunion. I look at it frequently and pray for you.
I just said a prayer for you and will say another in the morning focused on the therapy going well and that you tolerate it well. Hopefully you will get a little more strength from your pharmacist prayer warrior friend.
Mary
laurajanehall said:
Adventure, huh? This sounds like the person who says cancer is a “gift”. I certainly don’t want any presents from THAT person!
We will be praying that the lpi activates your super immune powers to destroy any cancer cells! (with minimal side effects)
Laura and Bryan
nashvegasmom said:
Thank you Laura!!
Christine Berk said:
Praying, Praying, Amy, God is using you in so many ways, you touch my heart and are an inspiration.
nashvegasmom said:
Thanks Christine!
Bayh said:
Praying for you today!!!! If you need any carpooling help, I’m here!!!!
nashvegasmom said:
Thanks so much girl!! Just take care of yourself!!
Mike Cassidy said:
Amy,
Sue and I continue to pray for you each day. We will send up special prayers today. You continue to amaze me with your faith; courage; and perseverance.
I told Alan that I was cheering -“Go Amy, Go!” on that second Sunday in September that you would go up to receive the Sacrament of the Sick from Fr. Dexter. Having received the sacrament myself from him “in front of God and everyone”, it is very powerful. 2nd Sunday of each month.
May God Bless You and your family. Mike Cassidy
nashvegasmom said:
Thank you so much!
Peggy and Garry Kennedy said:
Finally got to the point where I could actually figure out how to comment, although maybe not, as this says “leave a reply”. In any event, you are, and will always be, in our daily prayers. However, today and from this point forward, even more so. We will be joining you on Saturday for this very important cause!! Love from Both,
Debbie Vandiver Martin said:
Amy…Way to let loose!! Prayers are going up for your next chapter of treatment that starts today. I believe I speak for many folks that recieve your blog when I say your writings bring smiles to our faces and hearts as you have always approached your diagnosis and treatments in a light hearted, funny way. I’m sorry that the extremely insensitive person had to cross your path at your reunion…..they’ll get theirs! I thank you for sharing the raw emotions that go along with the light hearted ones you have shared with us. Your faith and love for your family is a lesson for all! Sincerely, Debbie Vandiver Martin
Robin Bohman said:
You are in our prayers today & everyday!
Jason Golden said:
Wish you the best. Obviously , that blog hit home all too much. Keep fighting. Daranda and I will have you in our prayers.
Katie Miller & Co. said:
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family daily – I pray God lends his healing magic to your new therapy – and you find peace and strength through it’s course of treatment. Near or far – we want to carry you and your fam through this – LOVE you! Thanks for being you!
Christy Raines said:
Beautifully written. Unless one has walked in the shoes of cancer, one does not truly understand the cloud that looms overhead even on the sunnyest of days. I hope today has been filled with the peace that passes understanding. Love you and look forward to seeing you this weekend.
Dawn Cerino said:
As I read your post, it’s amazing to me the struggles that you have been going through and the fight that’s still left in you! Thank you for your honesty about the ugliness of cancer! Our prayers are with you every single day! We pray that God gives you the strength to kick Cancer’s BUTT!!